I am in a rut again.
I've gained back 5 lbs so far of what I lost while I was taking the Rx for appetite suppression.
Mainly I've fallen back into old habits. It isn't even about the Rx. The
Rx did it's job and then some. By taking that every morning it was a
visual/visible reminder of my goal.
I tell myself time and again that I'm not going to eat this, or not
going to eat that, and I feel like I do well by not going to the
cafeteria every break like I used to, but I'm still moving backwards.
And the more I move backwards, the more my subconscious reminds me that
it's just so much easier not to try at all.
And the more I want to listen.
But then I hate myself (okay not hate, strongly dislike) for thinking that way.
I feel like visual motivators are my thing. Not just the motivational
memes you can find on google or anywhere else, but things realistic to
me.
In the room with the treadmill for example, I want to post my last A1C
number to remind myself not to slip back into being diabetic.
Or a picture of a baby or something because that's a goal too, and one that has a very finite time limit on it.
I haven't been able to come up with anything I can post anywhere at work
where everyone else won't see it. It's not so much that I care if
people see it, I just don't want questions. "What's 384 mean?" (My
highest weight) or "What's the picture fo the baby for? I didn't know
you had a kid" (Sigh. I don't.)
I've had many questions about my "Be Present" and "Slow Down" sticky
notes and those are tiny and barely noticeable. So yeah... If anyone has
a legit idea on something visual I can post at work that isn't overtly
obvious I am open to ideas.
Maybe I can stick something next to my credit card, so I see it when I
pull it out, but not everyone in the world sees it maybe?
Anyway, back to the rut and self-pity for a minute.
I decided to go back to counting my calories and measuring what I eat,
because I can't trust myself not to backslide apparently. It is kind of a
pain in the butt to have to measure everything and read every label
every time I reach for a cracker, but it's NECESSARY.
Life is hard. It shouldn't be, and it doesn't always have to be, but it is anyway, isn't it?
I feel like I can get to a point eventually where I don't need to do
this, but apparently now is not that point. I let the 40lb loss make me
feel entirely too good about my capabilities at responsible eating.
Also, time for a serious talk with the Husband (who is entirely
supportive) about getting some more of the junk food out of the house. I
don't eat it much, BUT, when I do, I go whole hog so to speak. Things
like "I just want to stick my whole face in it" come out of my mouth. I
don't do that, but...I say it, and I think it.
But if I tell him we have to stop buying so much of it he'll be okay
with it. There are some things he likes that I don't ever eat and so we
can have that if he wants it because I'll leave it alone.
Picture a woman (A customer of size if you will *eye roll at the
airlines for that one*) standing in a dark room alone. Under a spot
light of judgement and shame. The room is very small. 7x7 or so. there
is just enough room for her to turn around and see that there is No.
Way. Out. Of. This.
That's me, when I let my subconscious talk. It's like I'm my own little
Smeagol/Golem (I'm listening to the LOTR trilogy on Audiobook right now)
and I just keep having this "I can handle it / no you cant, you're
stupid" sort of conversation with myself.
Okay, enough self-pity. Every minute is a chance to begin anew. (Enter
your own witty and motivational sentiment here if you don't like that
one).
I'm going to start climbing out of this rut...again...after I get my
face out of the ice cream container. (j/k I'm not stuffing my face into
an ice cream container...at least...not while I'm at work)
Breathe in.
Breath out.
Stay Shiny.
